Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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