I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
