my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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