i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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