Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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