I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Your cock deserves a montage
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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