Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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