I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
