I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
