I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
