Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Randomize
