Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
