Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
