I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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