Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I want her autograph on my taint
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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