Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
