There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
