things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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