We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
