I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Randomize
