Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
