Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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