you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
