for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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