Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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