He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
