i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
