It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
