I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize