I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
