And the cops told us we were all naked.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Im part way to drunk.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
