I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
