Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
