is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
