so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
