I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
