Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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