just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
