i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
