You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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