maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize