How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
