The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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