while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
