Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
