I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
