i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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