Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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