I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
