none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
