Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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