soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
