I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
