I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize