Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
