Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize