he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
