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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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