I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
