he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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