i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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