I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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