did you get engaged???
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
