Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
