Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I believe in your delicious
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
