Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
